Have you ever had one of those mornings you wake up and actually cringe at the thought of your previous evening? I like to keep these mornings few and far between. When they do show up, though, it’s nice to think about all the other worst-case scenarios that offer the friendly reminder, “well at least I’m not that guy.”
Recently, I heard a story about a fellow Greenpointer that has become a comfort on any mortifying morning I might awake to. As a writer, I consider it my civic duty to impart this story upon you.
First dates are tough, its your one shot at convincing another person, temporarily at least, that your nails always look this manicured, your jokes are always this funny and anytime you ever say, “I’m going to the bathroom,” what you’re really saying is, “I only pee and I have never taken a shit in my entire life.” Continue reading →
I like to think of myself as a “good dater” – I converse easily (with a wall, if need be), am easy-going, and can survive any awkward situation I’m thrown into (recently, these are becoming my norm). Reflecting upon my dating history, I see a pattern with my date acceptances: I accept because I don’t know how to say no, or I rationalize, “Hey! Even if this doesn’t work out, I will get a new friend out of it!” (I have quickly learned that no, dudes are NOT on Tinder for “friends”). After a few Tinder-induced dates (see previous post), I have begun to ask myself “What AM I looking for in a mate?”
-Someone who doesn’t conveniently forget their wallet on a first date after insisting on dinner and numerous beverages.
-Someone with more of a sense of humor than endless menstruation jokes and movie quotes.
-A college graduate – community college is acceptable.
-Someone who is moderately healthy however not someone who claims, “Monday thru Friday I’m completely grain free – and Saturday and Sunday are my ‘cheat’ days.”
-Someone who does not take sexy selfies – No exceptions.
-Someone who does not use hair gel in a way which mimics Pauly D.
-Someone who does not live with their parents (exceptions include but are not limited to, men whose parents are invalids).
-Someone who does not use the word “Babe” prior to a relationship let alone meeting.
-A man whose pants are looser than mine.
-Someone who enjoys a good whiskey.
-Someone who does not have an ironic sailor and/or tribal tattoo.
-A good dancer…
The deal breaker. Whether you have been dating for one week or one year the definition of a deal breaker varies from person to person. For some, it may be that moment when he/she farted on your first sleepover, others it may be the ultimate intolerance of perpetual halitosis or, according to urban dictionary, “The act of firmly yet romantically cramming your entire fist into your significant others cornhole… a distant cousin of the shocker.” No matter the specifics, a deal breaker is a deal breaker and its up to each individual to decide what they can live with and what they can live without.
Here are a few of mine:
1. Getting Lanced:
My boss was sick of me having nothing to contribute to Monday morning dating debriefs so she took it upon herself to set me up with her friend – after our date he said he was headed out on a bike trip for a week out west and asked if we could get together when he got back. The next day I received a heartbreaking picture message – him in full on Lance gear…padded bike spandies, helmet, fingerless gloves…I’m now suspicious he doesn’t have any testis either.
2. Bad Texter:
A friend of mine took me to an amazing art exhibit on the opening night at Milk Studios. The artist was an attractive Frenchman who was acquaintances with said friend. A few days later, the artist had asked about me and he wisely slipped him my number. I guess the trouble started when his message contained 5 smiley faces in a two sentence exchange.. and continually referring to me as “Merry”… REPEATEDLY in each message even after correcting him – “Oh, my name is MEDDY.” Nonetheless I moved forward and we decided on a date…until 4am I received the below message (mind you this IS abbreviated):
“Thank you Merry (smiley face) Indeed. lot of things are happening in the same time. and keep happening..very interesting. means a lot. amazing signs. timing being a sign as well, or interpreted as one, if you need a sign (winky face)! ….do I need signs ? sure always, ying yang confidence and doubts…signs, no ? sorry. strong green.. lol…ok i ll keep it !(smiley face) hum. seriously…. for tomorrow…i was thinking… you already attended my show… enough it s too much on me…no? (smiley face) yes…i feel it that way…i totally forgot that talk… finally and overall i would have a great excuse to live right after the talk…”
3. The Bed Wetter:
It’s funny how an old flame can draw you in even after so many years. For me, it was the college jock. Of all the potentials in my life, I’d say I gave this one (hands down the least deserving) the most time of day. Why you ask? I have no idea. He was a soccer player and I’d had a crush on him since sophomore year. After years of back and forth flirtations we finally met up after college. Naturally, I thought it was going to be monumental–Oh how wrong I was. In the middle of the night I felt something seep through the sheets… “F#*&!!!!!!! You’re pissing!” I then received the response of “No, I’m not–go back to bed”. In retrospect, it wasn’t the piss that bothered me as much as his mortification-turned-dick-headedness. He pointed me to the next cab and I was out the door. Deal breaker.
Please share your deal breakers in the comments section.
For some reason Valentine’s Day makes everything awkward – the flowers, the chocolate, the “any plans later?” question that becomes impossible to avoid. Somehow plans which on any other given day would be totally normal now insinuate that of all the things I could be doing and all the people I could be seeing I have chosen to spend this one day of love with you and therefore — don’t fuck it up. Single or taken some of you may have met your demise while others may be nursing a chocolate undies hangover.
That being said, here are a few lines from the people still fighting the good fight:
Name: Jerid
Location: Grumpy’s
(Attractive girl walks in and orders an espresso, barista asks single or a double she answers single)
Jerid: “So now that we’ve had coffee when can we do dinner?”
Name: Maggie
Location: The Gutter
Line: “Hey someone farted, lets get out of here…”
Response: “Ew.. Really?”
Name: Jenna
Location: Lulu’s
Line: “Hi. The voices in my head told me to come talk to you.”
Response: “Sorry?”
Name: Ivan
Location: Manhattan Inn
Line: “Excuse me, this will only take a minute… I just need a woman’s perspective on something.”
Response: (next morning) “Milk with your coffee?”
Make sure to join us tomorrow Saturday February 9th from noon-6pm at From The Source (69 West St) for an amazing day of local shopping, delicious food and drink, fun activities and LOVE! More info…
I was 17 in the snow. It was the winter of 2004, new to college, and new to love. Who knew that I would get stuck in a Greenpoint apartment that winter rekindling a high school love? Beginning with a lost cellphone at the Royal Oak, to his bedroom in his loft apartment on Sutton, to Nassau Avenue, a little 1950′s diner we would call B’s on the corner of N Henry, and the swings in McGolrick park.
So to the Greenpointers who have fallin’ in love if once, if ever, if by chance, let’s scribe our loves into a poem.
And remember: we don’t just fall in love with people. Many of us fell in love, are still in love or fell out of love with Greenpoint.
Due February 10th @ 5pm, send us one of your poems, and let’s make this Valentine’s Day a brim to the hat to the nod toward love.
The winner, whose poem will be published on Greenpointers.com on the February 14th, will be a featured reader at Poetry Teachers NYC’s Monthly reading at Milk and Roses in February.
One last thing. Sometimes the best thing about falling in love is the story. Single or together this year, remember the place that landmarked your love.
** Use the code “greenpointers” and get $20 off league fees!!! **
Each team gets two beer pitchers from 4th Down Brooklyn after the games!!!
“Social Sports Leagues Perfected”
With the desire to provide more unique, personal rec league experiences that focus on meeting new people as much as the sports themselves, S3 Leagues came to New York in Summer ’10 and has already seen over 1,600 players.
While of course winning is always ohhh so sweet, we definitely have as much fun at our post-game bars as at the games themselves. We’re more about simply having a good time than practicing to go pro.
So if you’re looking for a unique social league, where it’s ridiculously easy to make friends, have fun being active and also like the idea of playing on a team with others your age from your neighborhood, S3 has got cha covered.
It will no doubt shock and amaze you all to learn that, yes, I’m still single and looking. This being well known among the Greenpointers staff, when we were approached by Christine Hooker, the energetic dating impresario behind improve-your-online-profile service Artful Online Dating, the debate over who would pick up the story was therefore short. Clearly, it was time for my unique predilection for over-sharing to shine.
When Christine arrived, wine in hand, it was clear that the process of doing a little spring cleaning on the OKCupid profile was going to be neither formal nor arduous. Christine has a definite presence (and, yes, a volume level) that fills a room and immediately sets a friendly and conspiratorial tone for her sessions. The basics of her service have been well covered in other articles and on her website, so I won’t go back over them except to say that her base service, which essentially amounts to a conscientious read-over by a neutral third party, is certainly useful but nowhere near as much fun as the slightly pricier options that include a face-to-face session. While talking to her, it became clear why she’s such a good match for this business: she loves the process and pageantry inherent in online dating and, by being so excited about it, makes you forget how soul-crushing and alienating it can seem. A few minutes in, you’re loving it as much as she is.
So what exactly does Christine do? Through helping you to understand the unique aspects of the online medium – the fact that, unlike in a bar/party/friend pickup scenario, you have the chance to make the invisible about yourself visible and thereby better control who may show interest in it – she helps guide your writing to better engage the people reading your profile and guide them towards your better qualities. It’s important to state that she won’t rewrite your profile for you or send messages on your behalf – she’s teaching you to fish here. In my case, she didn’t suggest major changes so much as fine adjustments to make sure my profile wasn’t too much about deflection and humor and instead offered chances for the people reading to include themselves, thereby helping to open conversations. In the case of my roommate, a veteran of the inappropriate-photo-strewn battleground that is online dating for women, engaging in a hilarious conversation about what she was really looking for in her dates helped them to identify many places where subtle changes in language, picture selection, and overall voice could help to engage the sort of boys men she’s looking to meet.
Legally speaking, I can’t promise that paying Christine to help you out with your profile will get you laid. I can, however, guarantee that it will be a far better time than the usual round of Netflix and quickmatch.
